SPEAKER_00 0:00

Okay, this episode is a little different, and honestly, I think you're gonna love it. So this week, while I was home holding down the chaos, Carrie was in Atlanta doing a tough mutter, and she did something really cool. She sat down on location with one of our buddies, a listener of the show, someone from our community who is right in the middle of the kind of identity shift that we talk about on the show all the time. Her name is Sarah she's a very good friend of the show, and you are going to hear yourself in her. This conversation is about doing something scary before you feel ready. So, what it actually feels like to live in a larger body in those spaces, and what happens when you finally let yourself step into a version of you that you've always wanted to be, but never believed that you actually could. So if you have ever thought that's not for me, or I'm gonna do that when I'm different, this one is going to hit, and I already know you're going to absolutely love Sarah. Born This Way starts right now.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

Welcome to Born This Way, a weight loss podcast exploring the identity whiplash of untangling a lifetime of body shame, and realizing a smaller size doesn't quiet the bully in our heads. So pull up a chair. Preferably not anything plastic or a rickety stool.

SPEAKER_00 1:25

A quick note we're not doctors or dietitians. The show is for entertainment only, and all views are personal and our own. So don't sue us. Please.

SPEAKER_04 1:46

Podcast listeners, I am so excited to be sitting down with friend of the show, friend of the podcast, Sarah. Sarah and I met because Sarah and I are both in the same community that Lisa and I met in. And so this week I'm doing something a little bit different since I'm traveling for the tough mutter. We decided to have a podcast listener on the show who is going to be doing some. I would absolutely argue that this is, would you say this is identity transformation work, like that you're actively going to be doing tomorrow? Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So for sure, we're aligned on that then. Yeah. So I'm going to ask Sarah some questions because Sarah is very much like Lisa was and I was. Mine was a little over three years ago because my first Tough Mudder was in Seattle. So it was 2020 and 2023. And then Lisa's first tough mutter was Atlanta, which was 2024. And Lisa has told the story on the podcast before. But if you are not a regular podcast listener, Lisa's plan was to come for this group meetup, but not actually do the tough mutter. Like her whole plan revolved around the fact that at the time her children were very young. You know, she was in that, like, I mean, we've all been in that stage of, well, if you're a parent, you've been in that stage where you're like fighting for your fucking life every day. Like, yes. She's been there. Yes. And so she was like, oh, I'm just looking forward to having a spa day. Like she was going to take a bath while we all went and did this thing. And then she ended up coming and doing it and doing some of the obstacles. So and she and I have talked about it on the podcast that that was a real transformative moment for her. And my first one, I mean, I remember I did not plan to do any of the obstacles. And then we came to Holy Pit, and I was like, oh my God, you guys, I think actually I think I can do this. But I think Clint and Misty maybe held my hands as I walked through Holy Pit. And it was such an empowering, fucking amazing feeling. I'm so excited that you get to have it tomorrow. Okay. So Sarah is like Lisa and me, a larger gal, a big one, if you will, whatever term you want to use. What's what's your term of choice?

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Do you have one? I usually refer to myself in a person in a larger body.

SPEAKER_04 3:51

Okay, great. So Sarah, as a per as a fellow person in a larger body, Sarah is going to do a big and scary thing tomorrow. So let's talk about the big and scary thing.

SPEAKER_05 4:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:01

Okay, so when did you first decide, like, okay, I'm I'm gonna I think I'm gonna do this?

SPEAKER_02 4:06

You know, when the when I had had heard stories about it, I was like, that's something I want to do.

SPEAKER_04 4:12

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 4:12

I don't want to play in the mud, but I want to be a person who can like go out there and like just do something crazy and wild because I've lived like in a very little bubble for so long. And so it's just but that's not like my heart of hearts, that's not me. Like I want to be out there in the world doing things, and I've like lived my whole life in this bubble, and it's like shit. I'm like, I want to be that person. And I finally got to the point where it was like, fuck it, like let's figure this out and let's go out there and do it. And it's been really scary, but I'm working on it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 4:48

Oh my god, yeah, so scary. So Sarah is an absolute champion, and she's she's holding it together really well here because I'm already crying. Like she's such a champion, because I'm already crying because I um like when I got here yesterday, there's another woman here, and she said, Um, I have to listen to every episode of your podcast, and I can't believe that you guys actually say the things out loud. Like, oh my God, you're saying the things out loud. And I was like, Yes, I I love that it makes me feel so much less alone. And it also sucks because I'm like, oh my God, I know viscerally what that feeling is. So our coach has told us both that uh we remind him of each other. And I think that's very true because the what you've just described is absolutely a feeling that I identify with, which is I have always been scared. I've been afraid really of taking risks, right? But especially living in a larger body. Everything, do you feel that way too? Like everything just feels off limits to you. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Yeah. And I feel like for me, it's a lot of like I internalize a lot of things I hear said about or written about fat people, people in larger bodies. And I hold that with me so closely.

SPEAKER_05 5:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:57

And like trying to like not just assume that every person I cross paths with thinks that of me. Trying to let that go and not like think that of myself is like I mean, I'm still very early in on the process of like unloading all of that. And so, but this is, you know, a step towards that person that I I know that I am. So Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:19

It's a big step. It's a giant, giant step towards that person. Sarah, I also love that you said, I've always wanted to be this way, right? Like I've always felt like there was more out there for me to experience or explore, but you've never really kind of let yourself do that or even felt like you were capable of doing it, right? I think the way I described it today was it's like, it's just like you don't even know it's like this room that's just locked in. So you don't even notice it. Like it's just there, you know it's there, right? All these people doing their athletic things, that's great. They're in that room, but I'm over here in this room. I'm with the people who are whatever, right? They're the I'm with the funny people or the people who were cre creative this way, or right? Like that wasn't just just wasn't everything that was available for me. But I didn't even realize how badly I like really, really, I don't even know if it's how badly I wanted it or how much I love it now to chase a physical goal. I I never really thought athlete was the just the locked room that I just ignored. I did like I wasn't over here going like, oh, I wish I could be one of those. Like, well, it just doesn't exist for me. So being an athlete and chasing that feeling has just been just incredible. And I know that tough, tough mutter was definitely one of the doors that opened that up for me. So I think I actually do believe that Sarah and I could go on for a long time talking about these feelings of internalizing the stuff about fat people. I mean, just the way that it just rewires your whole nervous system to just expect. Like it's, I feel it. Does it feel like you're telling me if this resonates? Does it feel like you're constantly on guard? Like you're always like constantly defenses up, mentally just ready for whatever's coming. It's for everything.

SPEAKER_02 7:52

Yeah. It's exhausting. It's like assessing every situation and like if I sit there, can I get back up? If I, you know, go with this place with this person, can I make it the whole way? Am I gonna be and it's everything, you know? Like I at one point I had gone back to school, and I the first thing I was worried about was what are the desks gonna be like? Like at this school? Am I gonna be, is it gonna be this certain size of desk?

SPEAKER_04 8:15

Is it gonna be a physical trap, which we've just talked about on our show recently, these fucking physical traps, right?

SPEAKER_02 8:20

Yeah, absolutely. And then it's also like, what kind of people are gonna be there? Are they gonna be nice to me or are they gonna, you know, and assuming that any person who doesn't instantly like look at me or smile at me is like, oh, they I don't exist to them because I'm fat.

SPEAKER_04 8:36

Right. And it's interesting because for me, I would take it even further. I would be, it's not that I don't exist, it's that they're disgusted by me.

SPEAKER_02 8:42

Oh, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:43

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they're just I'm just so disgusting to them.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

Yeah, and then that's start something that I will tell myself, like I will look in the mirror and say that to myself. And that is a hard place to like live your life. Yeah. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_04 8:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:56

Yeah, it's no fun. And there's some people who I feel like they don't even care if you feel that shitty. They're like, You're big, you deserve to feel that shitty.

SPEAKER_04 9:07

Yeah, they'll call it a wake-up call. Maybe this should be your wake-up call then. If you feel this shitty about it, why is that not your wake-up call?

SPEAKER_02 9:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 9:14

As if like that's the thing that kills me. As if we're all over here going, yeah, it's just so easy, but you know, I'm too fucking.

SPEAKER_02 9:26

I know all the consequences of this. And if I could snap my fingers and change it, I would. But it's so deep and it's just so complicated. And people don't see that. Like they're just like, well, just stop eating and move more. And it's I'm sorry, what did you just say? Stop eating and move more.

SPEAKER_04 9:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:48

Wait, that's it? That's it.

SPEAKER_04 9:49

God, why didn't anyone ever tell me that?

SPEAKER_02 9:52

Shit. Girl. I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

SPEAKER_04 9:55

Yeah. I mean, it's absolutely infuriating and so minimizing. Like it just feels so minimizing. Like, I can't possibly be a complex human with real emotions attached. Like, clearly, I'm at a size that you don't get to unless you have some serious demons, right? Like, there's I just believe that to be true, right? Like we've talked about it recently that the weight is a symptom, right? It's a clearly a symptom of issues. But that's also why I I firmly believe, like, you know, so so Sarah and I have been, full disclosure, she and I have been sitting in some mindset work all day today, right? Like really thinking about limiting beliefs, self-limiting beliefs, empowering beliefs, beliefs that we never thought, like he's so one of us, I don't know, I'll edit probably edit some of this out, but we'll just use it for fodder for right now. So do you remember him saying one of the first things he told us to do was write, like, what are beliefs that you thought, like you would you never thought you would actually hold about yourself? Is that what it was? What was the first thing? Like or what are things that you believe about your what are things that you maybe wait, maybe it was things that you believe about yourself that you never thought you would believe about you? One of those. But I remember so fucking gross. It makes me so mad. Because the first thing I wrote was like, like I I can be fat and be hot. Like I can be fat and be beautiful. And like I've I can actually feel that now. Like I can my friends are noticing it. I've just spent the week with my best friends in the world. And one of the things that they're noticing is they're hearing me say, like, like I'm not kidding. I've looked at pictures. Yeah, I've showed you one, a real fun one in a yellow dress. I've looked at pictures though of myself this week and said, I love the way I look in that picture. I mean, these people have been with me since the beginning, the very first time I met up with them. Yeah. And my self-talk has changed dramatically, right? I mean, it really, truly has. But I believe it to be true that that's the only way to ever get there. Right. Like this is not, this is not about a mathematical formulaic thermodynamic equation. I get it. I get the science. The science is not why this happened. This is not. I mean, it might be neuroscience, right? But it's definitely not. Like the mechanics of the body, I think that's not anyway. We've talked about that at length, I know, on this podcast, but it's just Yeah, that's not what's going on.

SPEAKER_02 12:10

Like, that's not the I mean, it is the reason, but like the thing that causes that reason is like so much more vast and like trying to sort through that and even like have awareness of it. That's what I've struggled with for so long is I had no awareness of like how I would use food to cope with my entire life. Yes. And yes, like my constant companion. Yeah. And I I would beat myself up, like, what's wrong with me? Why am I like, why do I need to eat so much food? I'm so gross and disgusting. And I would just I felt terrible about that. And I still kind of like it's hard to like let those thoughts go, but like just understanding like people have different ways to cope with life, and this is how you've chosen to cope with life. And so, sure I could eat less, but like I need to figure out how to deal with the rest of my life if I don't have that. And so that's like a huge mountain to climb.

SPEAKER_04 13:03

The mountain to climb, right? There's that book, the mountain is you. My God. I mean, has have truer word Deborah bit spoken, right? I mean, fuck, all of this is that, right? I mean, it is, it's an enormous mountain to climb. Yeah. I love that you're climbing the mountain though. Me too. How great is it? That's exciting. It is, right? And the beautiful thing about climbing the mountain is the mountain that we're climbing, like we can see the climbers ahead of us, right? Like I've seen people make it to the peak of this mountain. Like, I know it's I know I can do it. Yeah, I know I'm following you up the right. Right? Yes. And I'm following, you know, Misty up the mountain or whoever, right? Like, it's just an incredible thing to be a part of. Just really, really fucking awesome. Okay, so before I did my first tough mutter, in my head, as we all do, right? Like we all have like this picture in our head of like what it's gonna be like, what it's gonna look like. And I don't know if you'll be able to describe it, but like in my head, I was like, oh my gosh, it's gonna be like, you know, it's gonna be like this like assembly line and all these people and everyone watches you and you have to do the thing. So, like, what are you picturing in your head that's gonna happen tomorrow? What do you, what does it look like in your mind? What does the tough mutter look like when we're out there?

SPEAKER_02 14:10

So when I picture the tough mutter, like it overwhelms me. Yeah, no doubt. I have come from a space where I won't go to events because just getting from the car to the entrance is hard.

SPEAKER_04 14:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:22

And so I mean, even now I have that fear of like, okay, we have to like get from the car to the entrance. And that's not even the beginning of this whole like feet for like physical feet, because I'm still really early in my journey. So I have a long way to go and being able to like I mean, I just recently have been able to start walking without having back pain. So which is super exciting, but it's like Yeah, what a great thing that is, right? Yeah. Oh, it's awesome. Yeah. And so then I'm picturing like the distance because my whole originally my whole goal was I'm just gonna go and I'm gonna walk it. And everyone's like, well, it's a 5k, but technically it's more like five miles.

SPEAKER_04 14:59

It's definitely closer to five miles than five K.

SPEAKER_02 15:02

And I've never gone five miles in my life. Never no. So far that she's gone. Four. You got this. So I feel good about that four. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And so I know I can do it. And you know, I do have that because even within the group that we're going with, I would say I'm in my mind, I'm the largest person. I don't know if technically that's accurate, but so then I think, well, if I'm in the largest person in our group and we're going into a place where we're the largest people in that space, like I'm like really gonna be like the largest person, yeah, the largest person. And you know, trying to not go into that thinking everyone who's there is gonna look at me and be like, what the hell are you doing here? Yeah, that's kind of and so luckily I have this great group of supportive people who I'm just like I'm gonna surround myself with these people and they're gonna like march me through this and get to the other side and like yeah, it's just so nice to have people who will go through that with me.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

Yeah. Because I'm gonna go through it, but I can't do it alone.

SPEAKER_04 16:03

No way. No way. I mean, I I think I told you this today. I don't know. I've talked to a lot of people today. Sarah and I have had a bit of a day, y'all. Um but like my the first one that I went to, did I say this to you? Like I was so anxious because it is not, this is not my turf, right? This is not a place where I for like if we were going to a concert, I'm aces, right? This is my turf. I feel comfortable. I know the ropes, I know what to do, I know this is just what I do. And it's interesting because a lot of the setup is real similar, right? Like you're gonna get in some lines, you're gonna go in this big tent area, right? It's a lot of similarities to going to a concert, standing in a merch line, like things like that. Um, but um, it's terrifying to go to an event that is designed for people who are athletes. And the people that you see at these events are athletes. And um, it's very, very easy to walk in there and feel super fucking intimidated. And the first time that we did ours in Seattle, I kind of got separated from the group a bit because I went back to the car for some things that we had forgotten. And I was like, I'll go back and get them. And then they were all walking ahead of me. And I was like, like, I'm gonna get there and I'm not gonna have anybody around me, and I'm gonna feel really fucking like I already feel super scared. Like already. I was like, you guys, I'm already on tilt. Like this is not, this does not feel comfortable for me. This is way, way like I have never even run a 5k. Like I had never at this point in my life even gone to a an organized, that's not, I guess I had gone to a walk before, right? Like a walk for the cure type thing. But never like a race, like a I'm gonna race this thing or I'm gonna do this physical whatever. So yeah, so I was big scared.

SPEAKER_05 17:36

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 17:36

And I had all these expectations for what it was gonna be like. And then I was like, I would I would looked I would always look for the larger people too. Like, there's other big ins here. Cause there are. There's lots of, there's gonna be other big ends there. We're not gonna be the only big ins. There's not lots of other people who will be there.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

Okay. See, I didn't know that.

SPEAKER_04 17:52

Yeah, yeah. There'll be other big ins. Then I'm not gonna say that they're tough. Like we're definitely, we are the minority, right? That is a for sure, for sure. We're definitely in the minority, especially at these events. But another kind of cool thing is so like just this the vibe, like the spirit, the vibe is so this is what I love about it. You said, like, I'm I can't do this alone, right? And like the whole culture of a tough mudder, especially, is designed to be teamwork. In fact, many of the obstacles are designed so you can't do them alone. You have to use a team to do them. Block and S, like we were talking about. Oh, yes, is one of them for sure. And so, so you're right that you there's a sense of you feel bolstered because there are other people who are doing this who are also in a similar stage as you. And so it's not only that you have people to do it with you, but it's people who understand what it's like to do it in a body that is does not look like the other bodies there. Yeah. And knowing that people have done it right and have done it before. I'm getting some very, very important messages from my child screen time requests. Oh, yes. Critical, critical things. Okay. So do you think about doing like do you have a plan? Let me ask you this. Do you have a plan for tomorrow? Is it not?

SPEAKER_02 19:02

Is it no plan at all? No. Just decision at decision time? Yes, that's what I've because I, you know, I feel like I need to like get to the obstacles and like visually see what you're up there. Yes. Like I want to see other people and like what do their bodies have to do to be able to like do this. Cause yeah. I've like heard of some of them. I'm like, well, if it's this way, I might be able to do it. But because I have a pretty good understanding of like where I'm at.

SPEAKER_04 19:28

Yes. You have a good understanding of what your body is capable of and not capable of right now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:32

Yeah. So that's great. And so it's you know, but I also, you know, I'm I want to try some things. So yeah. There's the goal to like at least try some things. Yeah. But if I end up just walking the whole thing, that's a victory for me. Absolutely it is. Yeah. To just even like allow myself to go into that space and then walk five miles.

SPEAKER_04 19:53

Yeah. That's fucking huge. Yeah. Huge victory for someone like at our size, right? I also want to say this too. There will be obstacles that you'll be able to do. I mean, like, like I'm confident of it. I know right now, like, if Devil's Beard is there, you'll be able to do it. It's walking under cargo nets. It's super easy. And you work what you again, you work as a team. So it's like, and there there will be at least two or three where you'll be like, oh, I can do those. And also the cool thing is, so like I've even been thinking today, like, I was like, Am I ready to do Mutterhorn? I don't think I am. I still don't think I have the strength to pull myself up to the next level. So I'm not going to try it. Um, but someday I'm going to, because Chris has said, like, someday you're going to do this. And Christopher's brother has said, someday I'm going to do it for real. We're going to go when I'm graduate. When I graduate with Beebs, he said he'll take me to Chamonix in France, and we're going to climb a mountain together. A real one. Heck yeah. Yeah. How about it?

SPEAKER_02 20:46

I can't wait to hear that story.

SPEAKER_04 20:48

Ma'am. Yeah. Same. I can't wait to live it and then tell it. And, you know, he's a big, big solo adventurer, and I have discovered the the joy of solo adventures as well. But I was like, I need you to go with me the first time so I can borrow your bravery, and then I'll feel brave enough to do it on my own. But again, not doing it alone. There's some solidarity and strength in having people with you. Okay. Have you thought through any like worst case scenarios tomorrow? Or are you mostly just thinking positively?

SPEAKER_02 21:13

I feel like I'm thinking positively. It's a mindset. I'm not. Because I feel like I know, like, I know where my limits are and like how I'll respond to things. So like if I'm I don't feel like obligated to prove anything to anyone. So it's a great place to be. Yeah. Isn't it? Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 21:30

Like not feeling if you have to do anything to prove anybody. Yeah, I think we've touched on these, right? Like, what does it mean to you to do something like this now, right? In this current body versus like waiting. Because you know, our coach loves to say, He told me this at uh he's told me this at every mother. I'll probably say it sometime tomorrow. You know, you guys are braver than me because I wouldn't do this stuff when I was larger. When I was larger, I would never try this stuff. I waited until after I lost my weight to do these things. And so there is an element of that. So, do you have any feelings about like what does it feel like to me? Doing this now, knowing that you're not where you want to be. Does that feel you know?

SPEAKER_02 22:04

It's a little bit scary, but it's also for me, it's mainly exciting because it's like I know where I want to head in the future, and so it's just like you know, he's told me before, like, draw a line in the sand. And so I feel like this is gonna be me. Like, I'm gonna go up to things and like feel yeah, you're gonna test them out, you're gonna try them. Yeah, like what does this feel like? You know, because last fall I was hiking with my son, and we came across this log that had fallen over the path, and my son was like, Oh mom, you can just walk around it. And I was like, No, I wanna like see what if I can get over this thing. And you know, sometimes even now, even though I've been in this bigger body, I think, oh, I could just like step up there and you know, kind of jump right over it. And I could barely get up, and I was wobbly, and I had to kind of like turn around and sidestep back, and it was just like okay, yeah. Like now I know what that is. Now I know what it feels like. And so it's just interesting to allow yourself to just be like I wouldn't normally do that. Like, I would not normally like even be out hiking. Now we're out hiking, you know. Normally, like before I started this whole thing, I would have walked around the whole thing. Yeah, but it's like, no, let me feel like what so that when we come back and there's a log in the trail, I can be like, you know, can I just kind of jump over it or like step up and step back over it? And so that's what I want to like get from this experience is what does it feel like to like pull myself up? Can I pull myself up? Can I step up here? Can I get down on the ground and yeah, and get back and get back up and just kind of, you know? Yeah. Cause I mean, I know what it's like to be in my body and like what it can do, but like not in a tough mudder.

SPEAKER_04 23:51

So yeah, of course. Well, yeah. No, I mean you never I yes, I never anticipated, had any idea what my body would do under circumstances like that because I had never in my life attempted anything like it. Ever.

SPEAKER_02 24:01

And because like there's some things I know, like I'm not climbing all the way to the top of this thing and swinging my legs over, and I'm not there yet. Like, I like I know that about my body, but like even just like the beginning actions of how to start an obstacle. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:16

Yeah, for sure. Chris likes to our coach likes to say that too, right? That like, yeah, you're gonna get a baseline. Now you're gonna know. Okay, that's what I need to do to prepare, right? I've never done ladder to hell because of my knees. I've never even tried it to see, like, oh, what would it be like to do this because my left knee is just so shot? I feel like I'm never gonna be able to do it. But it would also be nice to know, like, oh, okay, oh, that's how far I have to lift my knee. Oh, that's how far those ladders, those rungs are apart, or whatever. So yeah, there's definitely an element of that to it. I like that. Okay. Is there a moment you're already anticipating that feels like emotionally loaded, or you're trying not to anticipate too much?

SPEAKER_02 24:53

You know, there's one obstacle called Loch Ness Monster that everyone's like, this is the best. It's so fun. And I'm scared because I see it like you get pulled over on this thing, and I am like a chronic worst case scenario. Like, I will think of the craziest thing, and I'm like, okay, you're gonna pull me over that. And what if I get pulled under? And so I'm like thinking of all these crazy things. And of course, I have like great friends who I'm like telling this to, and they're like, it's gonna be okay. Yeah, because it is. Yeah, and so it's like I want to do this obstacle because I look at it and I'm like, I think I could do that. Yeah. And everyone tells me how much that's like one of their favorites, but there's like definitely like fear of like it's doing this particular thing because it's like I want to, and everyone says it's so cool, but it's like, yes, I'm gonna be scared to like step into that water and like hold of this thing.

SPEAKER_04 25:42

And it feels like pressure, also, because everyone's like, Oh, it's so fun. And then it's like, what if I don't find it fun?

SPEAKER_02 25:47

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 25:48

Right? Like, what if I don't think it's fun? Yeah, it is very fun, by the way. But it does require extreme grip strength. Like you got to be able to grip onto the edge of that thing while everyone else is pushing. That's another thing, is it requires people to push the block that you're on over. And so I'm always like, okay, get like 68 people over there to push the block while I'm on it. Right. But then it's like, you know, when Sam goes over, it's like he's, you know, somebody uses their pinky to fucking flip the thing, you know. Yeah, exactly. It's like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the but yes, it's super, super fun. But it is like a there's a split second where you're like once you're turned over, you're supposed to like course correct and go like turn yourself around really quickly. I always just go head first because that's the only way I can do it. It's like my body ain't gonna turn that quickly. So we're just gonna go ahead first. But yeah, that's true. It's like everyone's like, oh my gosh, it's so fun. And it is so fun. But there, but there was a year when I couldn't do it. I'm like, my grip strength isn't good right now. I had just I had done, I think I had even I had fallen a couple of times because sometimes the oh my god, Philadelphia especially can go straight to hell, but its course was so slippery. I just fell so many times. I think I hurt my arm and then I was like, I couldn't, like I couldn't hold, I didn't have the grip. And honestly, it's grip strength. Like it's not even your biceps as much as just being able to grip the edge of it and hold on while you're being pushed. But it's great fun if you can get the mechanics of it right. It's just so fun. And it is um, it's the one where I think it's like, yeah, we're working really as a team. Like we're all really working together as a team. So yeah. So it's really, it's super fucking cool. Okay, so let's see. Okay, so you said earlier, um, like you feel like you're brave enough to do this because you have people around you, right? Like you have people around you and people that are supporting you. Um so I think I think I've asked, right, we've talked about like what kind of support you have. So what of well outside the guild, do you have some like how do your home people feel? Because I know when Lisa did this, it was like no one at home even thought, like she couldn't wait to come home and tell people because she wasn't even planning on doing the thing. And so she was so excited to go home and be like, but you don't understand. Like I went through this pit of mud and like did this whatever. How are the people in your life? Like, are they are the you I know you have a husband and a son, right? Are they supportive of you doing this? Have they been what were their thoughts about it?

SPEAKER_02 27:59

They're supportive. I think it's kind of like a shock to them, like, whoa, where did this Sarah come from? Like I've been married to you for 18 years and where did you come from? But you know, I think they're excited for me, but I've also have told them like my plan is just to walk it, because sometimes I have a hard time like telling people like deep down what I really want. Like why? I bet that exercise was hard for you today, huh? Oh yeah. Oh yeah, because I feel like I don't believe that I can do it myself, and I don't want to like humiliate myself of like, and not that I I don't think I would, I mean, I wouldn't get that from from my husband and son. No, you get it from you, but it would be it would come from me, and so I still feel like even in those relationships, I feel like there's a level where I protect myself. Sure. Like there's me, and then there's like there's me, and like that part of me, that's like deep down, and nobody really gets to see that. I mean, like what we're doing now, like is pulling at it, and that's like makes it so uncomfortable, but it's also like this is like what I need to do. So and it's you know, for those relationships, it's you know, kind of like a slow reveal of like I have been this person for you in your life this whole time, but like I have wanted to be this person.

SPEAKER_03 29:14

It's just sometimes it was easier to just accept like this is who I am and this is my life, and it's pretty good. And let's just stay here because it's easy and it's you know, it's not comfortable, but I'm used to it. Like being in this body is so uncomfortable, and I hate it, but it's what I know. It's familiar, and so leaving that familiar familiarity is like it's terrifying.

SPEAKER_02 29:39

So terrifying and it requires you to kind of open up that vulnerability, and that can be hard, even with you know, I have a great marriage, but it's you know, sometimes after eight you're both, you know, in your rhythm of what you do and then what you do together, and like trying to like start like oh, all of a sudden, like I want to separate, you know, like from who I am and like learning how to like what that looks like in your relationship. So it's like it's it's a serious shift in a relationship. It is, yeah. And trying to like like I want to do it in a way that's like thoughtful, sure and like considerate of of him. Of your partner, yeah. Like I don't want to just be like, I want to be this way, you better deal with it, and like I want to do all this stuff and yeah, fuck you if you don't support me. Right, yeah. Like I understand this affects you. Yeah, and like I appreciate your emotions behind it and like how it affects you, and how can we like how can I grow and then we grow with it? Yeah, type of thing. Because I don't want it to be like this grows us apart. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:46

So and that's a very real yeah. I mean, you obviously have seen that. You have seen that happen to people.

SPEAKER_02 30:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 30:53

I mean, that's a very that's a very lived experience for many people. And we, I mean, we even I think you were there, right? We did a panel about relationships in Chicago. Yeah. And we talked about the fact that your relationships will change. And it's really, really, gosh, I mean, what a what a great mindful way to go into it to go, like, well, I know that. I know that this, I know that the kind because if again, like saying that you're losing weight is such a so fucking reductive. Like, my God. I mean, yes, I've lost weight, but like I s continue to say, like, it's a serendipitous byproduct of the just the incredible amount of work that I've done on self-discovery, understanding myself, understanding who I am, understanding why shame has been the primary driver in my life, untangling years of this, right? Like those. So, like it's great that I've lost weight, but like the other stuff is really the gold, right? Like that's really where this stuff has really taken root. And and when that happens, I mean, the kind of like major identity transformation. I mean, shifting these long-held beliefs, they are unsettling. They are unsettling to a person.

SPEAKER_03 32:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:00

And then when they're unsettling to you you as a person, right? It's like, well, it and it unsettles the entire foundation. So, so it's really, really great, again, that you have gone into this and and and have the wherewithal to go, yeah, I know that I've seen this really test relationships. Isty's talked about it with her uh another friend of ours has talked about it with her husband. Um, we've had we have many friends who've seen ups and downs of relationships, grow closer. I ended a relationship because I needed to. It does definitely has a huge impact.

SPEAKER_02 32:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 32:29

Yeah. Well, Sarah is gonna go tomorrow and do her very first tough mutter. And I'm gonna go tomorrow and I think because this will be my third time doing Atlanta because it I did it 2024 and 2024. Oh, this will be my third. Yeah. Three Atlantas, a Nashville, a Philly, a Seattle, a Tampa. Okay. Yeah, so this will be number seven. So you're like a pro now. I get the I now get the five plus headband. You get so you get a different color headband for every tough mutter that you complete. Yeah, so tomorrow when we walk out of there, you're gonna be wearing one headband. You'll get an orange headband that says tough mutter finisher, and you'll get a t-shirt, and you'll get a metal. And the second time that you do it, you get like a bright yellow one that says two X and then a three X. Two times, three times. And then there's like if you do a hundred of them, you get like this dope ass, like it's like a fucking medallion. Anyway, you'll see him tomorrow. There's a guy there who has the medallion, and he's he's like a helper. He's a whole halter. Like these people all come back and they're they're yes, like it's great. It's a really cool thing. Even the opening speech is fun. I think Brooke was talking about it earlier. So so tomorrow, what I'm gonna do is after Sarah and I complete our tough mutter, after I complete my seventh, and Sarah completes her very first. Um, I've asked Sarah if she would come back and just share some thoughts. So we've talked to Sarah now before. This is the we are on the eve. It is literally, it's j it's not quite 10 p.m. the night before we're gonna do this thing. And so we're gonna come back together tomorrow and see how Sarah fared in the tough mutter. Listen, right? Like happy or sad, right? Tomorrow could be like a I'm coming to you from Sarah's hospital room because Sarah broke her ankle doing the ladder to hell. I don't think that's gonna happen. I do think so. Very, very But I did raise my hand and say She said she absolves everybody of everything. More likely, I think what's gonna happen is Sarah and I are gonna have a triumphant conversation tomorrow where we talk about doing shit that you never in your life would allow yourself to dream, but deep down inside you knew it was there. Yeah, what a fucking cool thing we get to do tomorrow. Okay, so we'll be back with part two tomorrow. Sarah, thanks for sitting down with me. Oh my god, me too. Can't wait to revisit this tomorrow. Okay, Sarah. So it is now 1125 p.m. 1125 p.m. at night. It's like almost 24 hours since we spoke, right? Like we were we were basically up until about 10 o'clock last night talking. So it's been like just about 24 hours. And what do you feel like has transpired in the last 24 hours for you? Something completely unexpected.

SPEAKER_02 35:01

Yeah. Because I was not if I would have known how hard that was, I don't know if I would have signed up for it.

SPEAKER_04 35:09

Really? Okay, that's great. Tell me more about that. What was what what were you not expecting it to be like? We talked a little about the terrain, right? Was that part of it?

SPEAKER_02 35:19

Yeah, but in my mind, I was gonna handle the terrain like I would like a little walk on a path. And that like all the like unevenness under my feet and like walking in the sideways and my hips, and that like took a toll quickly. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 35:37

So yeah, it was hard. I joked tonight that our friend Misty kept saying, This is the hikiest part of it. It's the hikiest part, and she wasn't wrong. I think that that wasn't the that that was the hikiest part. If I think of a hike in terms of like, I think of a hike like woods and roots and like, you know, real rugged. But like there was a lot of uneven ground. Also, the weather, I'm actually gonna say I thought the weather was in our favor today. Oh, yeah. Yes, because last year we have several folks in the room who who participated in the tough mutter today. So Sarah and I had two others in the room with us. And um it isn't just those rugged terrain pieces, it is also when it rains, which we were very grateful that it rained, because it last year when we did this, it was so blasted hot. Yeah, and so today it was rainy and overcast, which I far prefer at these events. And even so, even when it was rainy and overcast, what ends up happening is that the ground then gets real uh uh real uncertain.

SPEAKER_02 36:40

Yeah, oh yeah. I was so happy though that it was overcast because I think if we had that heat and humidity, I don't know what would have happened. That would have taken me out so much faster. And I was taken out like two-thirds in. I was dragging ass. Like my legs were barely moving.

SPEAKER_04 36:56

So yeah, you were definitely ready to go. I could tell that you were really, you were really exhausting yourself. So, yes, the terrain I think is something that maybe it's hard to prepare for.

unknown 37:05

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 37:06

Because if you think about it, like, oh yeah, I'm gonna, when you think about like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna run a tough mudder. I'm gonna, oh my god, I love element. Who's got the element in here? Oh, that's me. Yeah. My girl. I'm such an element girly now. I love that. Yeah, yeah, it's so good. So, element, if you're looking for a, you know, you need someone to like do some paint sponsorships. Um holl at your girl. Yeah, yeah. So it you think like, oh, I'm gonna go run a tough mudder. I'm gonna go do a tough mudder. And you don't think about the fact that you're doing it like through woods and over like roody, rocky, rugged terrain. And it's not even just walking. There were many times when we had to like, all right, we needed some hands, or like there were times when I felt like I needed to get on my my butt and slide down if I needed to. So it's definitely it's a challenge, it's for sure a challenge. So when we talked last night, you said your goal was just to do it, right? To be able to walk the whole thing.

SPEAKER_02 38:03

I think that was a good goal for me. Because I do too. It's still hard to reach.

SPEAKER_04 38:07

Yes, because how much did your watch say that you w walked today? All said and done.

SPEAKER_02 38:12

Well, I started it in the parking lot when I got out of my car there, and I stopped it when I got back to my car, and it was 5.87 miles. I'm at like 23,000 steps right now. So that's like the most I've ever done ever. Right.

SPEAKER_04 38:26

Like that's a real huge jump for you for a day.

SPEAKER_02 38:29

Because I did four miles, but that was like on a paved path. Right. So this was like a whole nother yeah, ballpark of yes.

SPEAKER_04 38:37

A paved path is a walk in the park. Yeah. Literally, yeah. I mean, I've got a lot of people. It's gonna feel like it's a ballpark, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the terrain I know was definitely challenging. Yeah. I think you're right that if it had been like it was last year, you would have struggled more because already I mean, you know, it's a lot. It's a lot.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

Yeah, because I could feel like whatever energy I had in my body, like I had used it up. And so I know the heat and humidity would have just like sucked anything else out of me, and it would have been it would have been rough. I mean, it was rough as it was, but that would have been definitely I'm I'm very grateful. Yeah, it was the weather we had.

SPEAKER_05 39:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:18

Now Sarah had the goal of of just completing it, right? Like of walking the whole thing and being able to do it. But you ended up doing one of the obstacles, right?

SPEAKER_02 39:26

I did. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:27

Which one did you do?

SPEAKER_02 39:28

I don't even know what it was called, but it was you walked up and there's these what it's called. 20 What's it called?

unknown 39:37

Farmers Carrie.

SPEAKER_04 39:38

You can talk. Okay, well that didn't farmers carry. Oh, farmers carry? Is that what it is? I have my task here.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

Yeah, it's a sandbag over your shoulders.

SPEAKER_04 39:49

Okay, so they essentially I can't they all have like kind of fun, fun names. Um, and I'm not sure what this one is called. But it's one where you have to um carry like a 20-pound sandbag, basically, like on your back or on your shoulders. And then you have to walk around a little course, right? So like you walk around a little like you do a lap, like you do a little circle lap. I don't know how how long do you guys think that lap was that we did? Quarter of a mile. Yeah, it's not long.

SPEAKER_02 40:22

Yeah, it wasn't long. Yeah. Which I'm grateful for because that thing was heavy. I could feel it in my back. Yes, yeah. Uh-huh. But I walked up to it and I thought, you know, I don't have to get down on my knees, I don't have to climb up something. I can I've got some muscle on me. I've carried this weight before. Absolutely. I've lost 45 pounds. So there you go.

SPEAKER_04 40:43

Yeah, that's kinda I sort of told myself that too. It's like, okay, well, I've lost this much. I used to carry this around, so it's not something I haven't.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

But also, it was heavy. So it's like, thank god, I'm not carrying that anymore.

SPEAKER_04 40:53

Like, and you're not carrying twice that amount, like you were just one half one half of that. You've lost twice that. So so I helped Sarah get a sandbag onto her back, and I was really proud because I was able to hoist my own onto my own back, which was kind of cool. Like, I was able to like flip it over my head, and yeah, I felt like kind of a baddie. I'm not gonna lie. It was cool to do it. Yeah, I didn't get to see that because as soon as I got it on, yeah. She's like, just move.

SPEAKER_02 41:16

I love little steps, just move forward, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 41:18

Yeah, and you did great, and that was so exciting that you're able to do one of the obstacles. So you like you surpassed your goal because not only did you complete it, but you you completed it and you did one of the obstacles. Yeah. Um, and if there had been, I think I had told you last night, like, listen, if Devil's Beard is here, you'll be able to do that one. Yeah. And we didn't end up having it. Because um at mutters, you don't always get the same obstacles, right? So we got some we got some different ones this time. Okay, so tell me the moment when you were like, fuck. What I shouldn't have done this. I'm I'm panicking. I'm I need to hit the eject button. Did that happen?

SPEAKER_02 41:52

Yeah, when we were in the car on the way there and I saw the tough mutter sign. Oh, yeah, and I wanted to turn the car around and come back here. Before you even got to the event, Sarah. Yeah, I was so nervous. I didn't say anything at first, but I was just like, like, I could just feel like I wanted to throw up and turn around and drive back. Oh my gosh. Yeah, and be like, yep, I'm just gonna let those. I mean, we were out like at some farm. So, like, these roads are not normally busy, but we were like cars in front of us, cars behind us, and all I could think of is like there are like strong fit people in these cars, and then there's like me coming in, and I'm gonna get out and they're all gonna be looking at me. Yeah, and they weren't, yeah. They weren't like nobody was looking at me, so yeah, they really weren't, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 42:41

Yeah, so but in my mind, I was just like, I don't even like belong in this line of cars because yeah, already, even in the line of cars, which is really interesting because for me, like my feeling of that didn't even really happen until I got out of the car and was in the line and was like, oh boy, like I didn't think about so much the fact that there would be I hadn't even really considered it, you know, that like there would be so many people there that were not, yeah, that were so fit. But you were already experiencing it in the car and wanted to turn and wanted to turn around and go back. But you weren't by yourself, so you had supporters, right, who were with you and wouldn't let you turn around and go back, right?

SPEAKER_02 43:19

Yeah, which is awesome, right? So you were Yeah, I had people there the whole time from start to finish supporting me because there's no like if I were to like think of how far we walk through those woods and like on that like grassy train, I would not have even like walked up a hill and back in thinking like because it would have felt like so hard that it's like I don't want to do that. Like I'm not ready for that. And I I'm kind of just like in shock at like how much I could I did.

unknown 43:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:53

It's like I was on my feet for like I don't even know, seven hours or something.

SPEAKER_04 43:56

Yeah, it's a long time on your feet, and those steps do not account for the Idle standing. I say it all the time, like just stand because there's at mudders, there's a lot of standing. Yeah. Especially when you're with a large group of people, there's a lot of standing and waiting for people to do obstacles. And so you're just standing. And standing is many times worse for the back and the hips and the legs and the feet than the moving is.

SPEAKER_02 44:18

Yeah. And we got to that point where where we were just standing, and I was like, I can't stand anymore. And so Carrie was like, Well, let's walk. And so we just kept slowly walking. Yeah. Because I had to keep walking. Yes. Just had to keep moving. Because I'm like, if I stop, like everything is going to freeze up on me and I'm not going to be able to move. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:38

So that's a very real thing, by the way. Last year, so a friend of the show, Rick, who did his own, he did a 10K this weekend. It's separate of our group. Um, but Rick last year at the mutter was the same way. He's like, I can't, I just gotta keep going because I know if I stop, I will not be able to keep, like, I I gotta keep momentum going.

SPEAKER_02 44:57

Yeah, yeah, I could feel that. I was so tempted to sit at some point. Like, I just wanted to sit down. But I'm like, I'm not gonna be able to get up and like finish this thing if I if I stop, because everything's gonna like stop moving, and we're just gonna like get into like rest and yeah, your body's gonna move into cooldown mode, and then you're gonna have to restart back up again. I'm gonna have to get it moving again, and I have to just keep it moving until I get to that freaking car. Yeah. Yeah. And I yeah, even just like once we made it to the finish line, like walking from the finish line to the car was that felt like a whole nother race. Yes, because the yeah, because I was just exhausted, I was so utterly exhausted.

SPEAKER_04 45:38

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure you were pretty gassed by the end of it. Well, because you told me last night, right? The lot the longest you'd ever walked was four, four miles. Yeah. So this was well above that at five point almost six, right? Almost six miles, yeah. Yeah. So so you've I mean, you've clearly well surpassed that. Um, how does your body feel right now? It's sore. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:00

If I get up, it's slow.

SPEAKER_04 46:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:03

I'm like taking my little baby steps still. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 46:06

Yeah. Yeah. How does your mind feel right now?

SPEAKER_02 46:10

Yeah, like do you feel different? Do you feel I feel like inspired to like let myself do this? I don't know if that makes sense. Allow yourself. Yeah, yeah, allow myself to do it. Because I mean, there's still like that lack of belief sometimes, but I think like I mean, I was I was telling the group this earlier a year ago, I couldn't stand up for long or walk anywhere because my back would hurt so bad. And I'd gotten to the point where like I would barely go in the grocery store because I'd have to sit down. And when I would do my housework and like try to do the dishes in my kitchen, I had a like office wheelie chair that I would sit on and I would wheel from the sink to the dishwasher because I couldn't stand that long.

SPEAKER_03 46:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:59

And so it's just crazy to me.

SPEAKER_04 47:01

Like a year ago you were doing that, and today you and today I could just I mean I hurt.

SPEAKER_02 47:07

But like it wasn't debilitating. Like I could keep moving. And I did. Even when I like really wanted to stop. Yeah, you kept going. You did. So it's just crazy, like in a year how like much you can change. And it's not even like I mean, I've lost weight, but it's not like I've like, if you were to look at me compared to then, I mean, there's a difference, but it's not like a crazy, like, oh, before and after type thing. I'm still a big person. But like the change in like just my life, day-to-day life, is just crazy.

SPEAKER_05 47:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 47:44

And I think um, you know, that's such a that's such to me, that's the that's the big takeaway, is for the longest time it was like, yeah, I might I might not look a lot different, but like there's so much changing inside of me. And and I was, I mean, it's not that I wasn't losing weight, but I was losing it really slowly while I was fixing the internal, right? It's like I was under the hood, I was poking and prodding and moving this here and plugged this hose in here and try this here, and oh boy, though, we gotta dust this shit off. This is real, real mess over here, right? It's like so there's so much that happens under the surface. And um, you know, our coach says this a lot about about me in particular, but about others on the journey like this, that um a lot of times you don't see their progress right away because so much of what needs done with people who are in larger bodies. We talked about it last night. It's a symptom of such a bigger thing, and so you often don't see the progress as quickly. Go ahead, bro.

SPEAKER_01 48:46

Where somebody's at on their journey just by looking at them. Yes. Yeah, we're talking about them.

SPEAKER_04 48:51

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is very true. You just don't know. So much of this work is oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:57

I remember telling our coach, like at the beginning, when we started like working on stuff, and it was like, I feel like I've taken all these like boxes in the attic of my mind and like dumped them on the floor, and like I don't know what to do with all this.

SPEAKER_01 49:12

Like, there's it's just but you're looking at them, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 49:15

Yeah, but you I yes, yes, and yes, right, because you're like, oh god, not this just made a bigger fucking mess. But then it's like, yeah, but now that I'm really looking at it, it's like, oh well, I don't I don't need these books anymore, and oh, these ones are just a mess. But if I just do a little polishing, then these ones are good, and right? So it's like yeah, just slowly starting to take care of yes, all these little things, yeah, yeah. Well, and I say a lot that it I had to love, I had to learn to love myself before I would even want to take care of my body. Someone said it about being a friend to their body. Maybe it was somebody, it might have been somebody in one of my groups that I moderate, but recently I did hear someone say, I'm trying to be a friend to my body. That's a and like that. It was really, really powerful.

SPEAKER_03 49:59

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 50:00

Because I am a friend to my body now. My body is I'm not at war with it anymore. And I feel like I used to just constantly be waging war with it.

SPEAKER_02 50:08

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a a recent thing that was introduced to me was the idea of because you know, there's this part of me that emotionally eats, and that voice that tells me to that I would always get so angry. Like, why does that exist? Yeah. And but then there was the thought of like that part of you is still in some way trying to take care of you. And like, have you ever tried to take the time to like understand that part of you instead of just hating it and being mad that it exists? Yeah, which blew my mind because I never even thought to like it. I just didn't understand it. Like, I don't understand why this exists, but no, there is something there that's yeah, that's trying to protect me or take care of me, and like instead of fighting it, like you know, I don't know how what what to say, but just like and but like yeah, look into it in a different way. Like change just changing your perspective.

SPEAKER_04 51:05

Perspective, yeah. Yeah. If I may, like, because I think I'm hearing what you're saying, which is you know, uh hating ourselves never really worked for any of us, right? Like being big mad at ourselves and fighting against all of these, you know, horrible things that we do. Um and so instead of just being mad at ourselves for the way that we treated ourselves, if we instead go, well, but why? Yeah, why was I like this? Oh, I was actually trying to protect myself. Oh, I was trying to protect myself because I've always associated food with, I mean, we talked about it a lot this weekend, like how we associate food with uh damn near anything, right? Celebrations, connection, sadness, despair, grief, excitement, exhilaration. Like there's a food for every emotion, right? Um, but often it is it's like it's it really is like it's a it's a I'm gonna use food to protect me from feeling these really hard feelings. Oh yeah. So it's like it really is in some way. There's something kind about it. There's something kind behind it.

SPEAKER_02 52:11

It's just not yeah, it's just hard to see it that way. Yeah, yeah. Because you can see what eating the food is doing to you physically. Yes. But like I never like looked at it like what is it doing for me like emotionally or yes mentally.

SPEAKER_04 52:27

So we talk okay. I'm sorry, thank you. I'm trying to trying to figure out how to land this plane. We talked about we talked a lot about beliefs this weekend. We talked about beliefs that we have about ourselves that we maybe never had before. Like I believe that I'm gonna do a triathlon. I really believe that to be true. I haven't done it yet, but I believe that I'm gonna do it and I'm training. Yeah, too. I believe it too. Yeah. So there's then there's beliefs that we had to challenge that we had to let go of. And it's funny because we've talked about on the podcast before, but like, did I set this to you guys already? It kills me because one of the first things that I wrote in mine was like, I had to let go of the belief that fat people can't be hot because I love being called hot. It's a new phenomenon for me. And I'm it is like fucking catnip. Oh my god. Because all I ever wanted was to be hot, right? Like I always just wanted to be hot or beautiful, and so I had to challenge the belief that fat couldn't be beautiful or fat couldn't be hot. Because it absolutely can be. I've talked about this woman, Rory, on my podcast before. She works at this bar that my boyfriend and I go to. And um, she's she's I mean, she's in a larger body. She's I wouldn't she's she's beautiful. She's in a larger body and she's beautiful, stunning. And she and her husband went to a wedding and she took, I mean, she wore this red dress that was like Jessica Rabbit, sexy, and I was like, God damn, she is hot. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I just um so so so we talked a lot about beliefs. Sorry, that was me, that was like a total sideboard on my part. So we talked about beliefs a lot this weekend, and so I want to know, Sarah, what belief do you now have about yourself that you didn't have before? That I b belonged there. Yes, yeah. My god, what a great one. I totally wasn't expecting you to say that one, and I love it so much. You absolutely belong there. And there were other big ins outside our group. Yeah, I saw some. Yes, yeah, yeah. There were other big ins outside of our group.

SPEAKER_05 54:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 54:43

Um, and there were fewer this time. I thought I thought I noticed fewer this time. I don't know why I'm time a day or whatever, but but like, yes, and you and no one there was like, what are you doing here?

SPEAKER_01 54:55

Yeah, right, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 54:56

Like, yeah, it's so funny how we think we're gonna show up to these places and these people are gonna be like, no, don't let the fat ones in, right? Like they're gonna have some sort of shepherds who can pull us, yank us all out. Um yeah, but what a you know, we talked about a little bit tonight too. Like these fitness spaces are so welcoming and inclusive. Yeah, like there was never there's never been a time on the course when anyone has ever made me feel like, oh god, I'm not gonna help you, right? Like they're always so I mean, think about how many people offer. Would you say at least three people offered to help you today?

SPEAKER_05 55:30

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:31

I would say at least like at least three people offered to help you. And I had people run by me and say, You're doing a good job. Yeah, I've never seen before. They were like these fit little people in their yeah, cute little outfits. Yes, I'm like, all right, I'll keep going.

SPEAKER_04 55:45

Yes, that's right, that's right. Yes, okay, I got it, I got it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:48

Yeah, and it's just go ahead. Oh no, you go, please. I was gonna say, at some point, I was climbing up this huge hill and I was out of breath and just struggling. Yeah, and our coach came up to me and he was like, you know, if you were to strap 150 pounds on any of these people, they would be freaking struggling too. Yep. So he's like, You are like what you're doing is hard.

SPEAKER_01 56:11

This is your obstacle, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 56:12

Yes, in many ways, you're more impressive than them because you're doing the thing on difficulty level, like extreme.

SPEAKER_02 56:22

Yeah, yeah. And it was that was really important to hear, like to think, like, yeah, this is hard for me to just like march this body up this hill. And sometimes that feels shitty because everyone passes you.

SPEAKER_03 56:35

Oh, yeah. So you feel like, why can't why am I not, you know, yeah, why can't I go that fast? But yeah, I am going fast because I'm carrying all this with me.

SPEAKER_04 56:47

Correct. Look at how slowly those people walked around that track with 20 pounds, right? Yeah, with 20 pounds.

SPEAKER_01 56:54

Yeah, so now I did notice that. Yeah. The fit people when they had that, like they I was running with my nod, and the dude was like, that was so fit, was so slow. Yeah, and I I just I I charted it, and I was he was huffing, like it wasn't like he was just sauntering, like he was having a hard time because I didn't quite make I stopped and started walking, and he huffed past me. He's like, We're almost there. I was like, Oh my god, he's actually struggling right now. And I thought, we're used to carrying that shit.

SPEAKER_04 57:24

They they don't yeah, so it took a fixed space there, but no, that's great, but I I love it because it's very true that as soon as those people put those 20-pound bags on their back, they were a lot slower. Yeah, they would have had to put you know, six or seven of them on there, right? Yeah, I mean, I don't even know if they would have done it, honestly. So it's pretty great.

SPEAKER_02 57:44

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty great that you're out there going to like see, like, yeah, I am doing something hard. So hard, yeah. Yeah, just because they can't crawl underneath everything or over everything doesn't mean that exactly.

SPEAKER_04 57:55

I was just gonna say that because it is sometimes disheartening. You know, um, my first one I was like, you got it over there? Just kidding. My first, my first one, I was like, um, oh, our couches makes the same sounds, and that we've just been laughing about it the whole time. I like that our coach reminds us that like we're doing this on a really, really hard difficulty mode. And that these people are not like if they had to do it, like the because there's a real, there's a real you said it, right? It sucks to get passed by everybody, right? Like it's just it sucks to get passed by everybody, like it's just a reminder that, like, oh, you're not going very fast, and you're whatever. Yeah. So you sometimes feel like, oh, well, I'm not even doing any of the obstacles. I'm not like this isn't really that impressive, or I didn't really know. It's it's just as impressive, if not more, that you're doing it in the in the size body than you have. Um, do you have any beliefs about yourself that you shattered this weekend? Any beliefs you let go of?

SPEAKER_02 58:58

Hmm.

SPEAKER_04 58:58

Did you think you wouldn't be able to walk five miles?

SPEAKER_02 59:01

I thought I would be able to do the five miles, but I didn't know that that's what the five miles were gonna look like be like. Right. Yeah. So if I would have known that, I don't know if I would like if I would have seen the terrain we were gonna do, I would have been like, Right. I can't do that. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. So I don't think I had the belief that I couldn't do the five miles, but like looking at it. If you had known what it looks like. If I would have known, I would have like that, would have been a belief I would have shattered because I would have thought there's no way I can make it through that. Because I've tried walking around my yard and it's hard. Yeah, yeah. So that's that uneven ground is a real killer for the and it's like all my joints and like my tendons and ligaments are like, what the heck? Yeah, listen, lady. Yeah, but we don't do these, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 59:47

Yeah, sit down. Yeah, so yeah, we've been on these feet for too long, yeah, for sure. Okay, so you've completed your first. I'm saying your first. I don't know that you plan to do anymore, but I do, yeah. I was just gonna have to come back. Nice. I was gonna say you've completed your first one. So what's next for you now that you've done a tough mutter? What is your next like fitness goal?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:07

Hmm.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:08

I want to well, I know in August we'll be going to Chicago. Yes. And so my goal is to do the 5k. Yeah. Absolute cakewalk for you now. Yeah. Well, because when we went last time, I didn't do it. No, I remember. Yeah. So well, when we went last time, you hadn't done a almost six-mile walk through the wilderness and stuff like that. I'm now that I'm saying out loud, I'm like, well, maybe I need to choose something different. That's oh no, no, no.

SPEAKER_04 1:00:35

No, I don't think I don't think it needs to be like, oh, what's your next greatest thing? Now let's do a marathon. Like I think it's wonderful to say I did this tough. I mean, because the tough motor that you did today is a different thing than yeah, you know, than a than a 5K. I think it's a perfectly great goal to set.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:51

I'm just gonna keep walking.

SPEAKER_05 1:00:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:53

Yeah. And see how how much better I can move my body. Yes. Because even now, like walking is I'm still not like that fast because it takes a lot to like move my body. So I just I'm looking forward to like getting to the place where it's just, you know, it's easy to just walk a 5k.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:13

I'd like to, I'd like to do the 5k and not feel like it was like a huge because I've done like a 5k a couple times, but it was hard. Yeah. And when I did that four miles, that was hard. And so just being able to like go for a 5k walk and feel like I can, it's not like a huge yeah, like you're not totally gassed out. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think that's how I'd like to feel after we do that 5k.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:37

I'm excited. All right, well, it's April. That 5K is in August, right?

unknown 1:01:41

Right.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:42

So you got you got a few months to keep your walking and yeah, and the weather's finally nice, so it's no problem.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:48

Nice. I can get out there and I can do it.

SPEAKER_04 1:01:50

Yeah. So okay, so any final thoughts, any last words, any epiphanies, any anything that you just are like, man, I just really want to say this about the experience.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:03

I'm just very thankful that I have like a community of people who like will be in the back with me.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:10

Yeah. Yeah, I would never have done this if I didn't have other people doing it with me. No fucking way.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:15

Like just having people who are willing to like not like rush ahead and like all the time and like be like, oh, Sarah's back there. Let me go walk with her and check in with her and like let me go at the pace that I needed to go at. And I'm just so grateful for that. And so, because I don't think, you know, I don't have you know, I do push myself, but I need someone to like kind of do it with me and like help me have the courage to try things. So I think just feeling like I had support all weekend was a huge thing. Like, we talk a lot about community, yeah. And like just have gaining a community of people who are helping me do this is huge because I tried doing it alone for so long. Like, I would make a plan in my head of how I was gonna fix this issue, and I wouldn't tell anybody, like it was gonna be all me on my own, and I was just gonna like white knuckle it to the till I was thin, and that never freaking worked. Yeah, never worked for me either. Isn't that funny?

SPEAKER_04 1:03:14

Yeah, so that was that was the best part. Yeah, it turns out that we are social creatures who need community and connection, and these are the things that help us get through these life transformational type things. Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, well, I'm just so glad you're part of my community.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:36

Oh, me too. Right? For sure.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:40

Yes, yeah, I'm glad we can do this together. Me too. I'm really glad that we're running uh Chris likes to say our coach likes to say, I'm really glad we're running this stretch together. And I feel that way. I'm really glad that I'm running this stretch with this group of people.

SPEAKER_05 1:03:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:54

It's probably it's not likely that we'll all know each other for the rest of our lives or whatever, but like it's really cool to have a season where you're running a stretch with amazing people in your life. Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I feel really lucky.

unknown 1:04:06

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:06

Thanks for doing the motor with me today. Yeah. My favorite moment, my favorite part of the day, because there were some cool things that happened today for some of our friends. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yes. But the thing that gave me the most thrill was telling them put put a headband on that lady's head. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:23

Thank you for being there for that. Thank you for walking me to the end when I had to just keep moving because I wasn't made up.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:30

Because this woman was, yeah, she just needed to keep going. We just had forward momentum and we had to keep it moving. But I was so so when you when you finish a tough mutter, you get a headband, you get an orange headband. And so Sarah and I crossed the finish line and I said, put a headband on this woman's head. And they did. And then she got a medal and a t-shirt, and no one can ever say you didn't do that because you got the metal in the shirt. So it says finishing. That's right. Yeah. So she she did that thing. She sure did. Sarah, thanks for being my guest on Born This Way this week. Um, I know this has been, and listeners, I hope you've enjoyed hearing Sarah's story. She's just such a glimmer in my life. And I've thought, what a wonderful opportunity to hear from someone who has never done this before. Uh, because this is a position that I was in seven tough mothers ago, and it's a vibe. It's a real vibe. And so it's cool to hear about people having these kinds of experiences. So I hope you've enjoyed hearing Sarah's story.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:29

You've been listening to the Born This Way podcast. Don't miss new episodes. Make sure to follow us wherever you get your podcasts, and come hang out with us on social at Born This Way Podcast.

unknown 1:05:55

Okay,